originally published August 15, 2016
i had to come to terms with the fact that for most of my life food has been bae. for my friends (and my mommy) not hip to slang it means before anyone/anything else. i never wanted to admit it. i walked around thinking that i was normal and that my eating habits were "pretty good".
let's face it, i did not become obese overnight. however, it was my poor choices, inability to admit i had a problem, and comfort (read fear) that kept me bound for so long. i was always active -- even when i was a kid. but it wasn't until recently that i really began to understand that i can't outwork a bad diet.
i made poor food choices - by this i mean no real food at all. sweets, particularly candy was always my thing. i literally could skip every meal, eat purple bag of skittles and be alright. as i got older, my eating habits worsened. i would eat late, or not eat much at all. i didn't know it then, but this wrecked my metabolism. when i met my husband (hey babe) it got really bad because he worked over night. and instead of me taking my butt to bed, i would hang out with him, eat lunch with him at 1 am , and then get very little sleep cause i had class the next day. i was a hot mess.
the biggest blow for me, was acknowledging that i am an emotional eater. yeah, you know the kind that sees something on the tele and then wants it. it wouldn't have to be that exact thing, but the next best thing to it. i ate when i was happy. i ate when i was sad. i just ate. i spent years lying to myself about what i ate and how much junk i consumed. it was easy to believe the lie because when i did eat real food, it was sensible, and i didn't eat much of it. i would always eat less than everyone at the table, and never left without my unfinished food to go. "you eat like a bird!" is what they would tell me. and i bought in to it and actually acted like i didn't know why i was fat. girrrrl, bye!
something was said to me five years ago that has resonated with me ever since. my coworker (we'll call her 'Kelolo') said "my dad died cause he was fat! he just wouldn't put down the stuff he wasn't supposed to have." those words pierced me. was i really going to kill myself because i couldn't put down sugar, fats, etc? food was a demi god to me. and even to this day if i don't pray and work to control it, it will become an idol again. i used to wake up thinking about what was for dinner. and went to bed thinking about what would be on the next day's menu. and you know what is scary -- i have seen my kids doing some of the same things.
it is embarrassing, honestly. i have created so many bad habits for me and my babies over the years. additionally, there are so many adventures i could have been a part of; things i could have seen and done, but my weight has held me back in more ways than one. not just because of fear or whether or not the harness could hold me while zip lining, for example; but also because i ate my trip to australia, paris, and curacao, to name a few. okay, when i say it like that it sounds kind of funny, but it is true. but food was bae. i made it such an integral part of my life, that it seriously hit my pocketbook too.
one day i made a decision. i decided that i would no longer allow food to have control over my life.
so how am i overcoming it? i pray. and hard. i mean, that was my first step. i talk to God about how i feel and what's bothering me. i have to tell that krispy kreme demon to "loose here, satan!" ha ha ha, but seriously, here are some practical tips that have helped me:
1. i find other things to think about. praying for others during this time helps. "You will keep him in perfect peace,
Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You." Isaiah 23:6
2. when possible, i pound the pavement. going for a walk/jog releases endorphins and the good music (#116) that i listen to along the way, takes away the stress and thereby urge to eat needlessly.
3. i turn off the tv. if i am not watching tv and doing nothing, my mind doesn't wander to food.
4. drinking water consistently is key for me. sometimes i am not hungry, i am just thirsty.
5. i no longer put so much emphasis on needing a 'specific meal.' in other words i stopped living to eat and started eating to live; while being realistic about the fact that i don't need copious amounts of food to survive.
for me now, food is fuel. it is not life though.
if the struggle is real for you, don't beat yourself up. in our country, we are conditioned to eat more than we ought; want was we see; and covet what we don't have. fortunately enough there is grace for everything we are going through. i encourage you to meditate, get alone with God and ask him to help you break free from the vicious cycle that causes poor food choices and overeating. we can be free from the addiction to sugar, salt, and every other yummy thing that we eat too much of. he is a healer. trust.
i pray you all will find peace, and trust that his grace is sufficient to get you through any test and trial. i love you and i am rooting for you.
"And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NKJV)
in love and optimal health